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Why that title?: The club was sponsored by Axe all weekend, thus the name.

Where: The Fontainebleau Hotel Miami

Performer: Jennifer Lopez

Celebrities we saw: Jennifer Lopez, Chace Crawford, Jessica Alba, Stephanie Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Bosworth

Celebrities who were confirmed, but we didn't spot: Kim Kardashian

Overheard: "The Hills'" camera crew was at the club filming all the drama between "The Hills" girls. "Doesn't Audrina hate Kristin Cavallari?" one partygoer was overheard saying as people watched the ladies dance the night away together. "Reality TV is so fake!"

Food factor: None

Best party clothes: Jennifer Lopez's skintight sparkly catsuit. People had mixed feelings about how she looked in it after she wore it during her performance on New Year's Eve. But does J.Lo care? No way! Although she'd usually get points off for wearing the same thing twice, we've got to give the girl props for not caring what people think.

Worst party clothes: All the girls from "The Hills" had on incredibly short dresses and were dancing on a balcony. No more needs to be said.

What would The Situation think? Between the females in short dresses, the flashing lights and deafening club music, The Situation would have had the time of his life. That being said, Jennifer Lopez went on more than an hour late, there was no open bar and no food. This party would have been eight fist pumps because the party scored J.Lo as its main act, but without even some midnight snacks or free sponsored drinks, we're going to have to give this party six fist pumps.

• DirecTV Celebrity Beach Bowl

Why that title: For the past four years, DirecTV has hosted this ocean-side flag football game pitting two teams of athletes and Hollywood stars against each other.

Where: On the beach behind the Gansevoort Hotel, Miami Beach.

Performer: All-American Rejects

Celebrities we saw: Jennifer Lopez, Taylor Lautner, Mark Sanchez ("coach" of the winning team), Eli Manning ("coach" of the losing team), Warren Moon, Rich Gannon, Eddie George, Merril Hoge, Mark Schlereth, Desmond Howard, Daryl Johnston, Dan Patrick, Taylor Lautner, Chace Crawford, Marisa Miller, Ed Westwick, Kellan Lutz, Nancy O'Dell, Brian McKnight, Michael Clarke Duncan, The Wayans Brothers, Olivia Munn, Jessica Szohr.

Celebrities who were confirmed but weren't spotted by us: None  they were all the main attraction.

Overheard: "I want to have ten thousand of your babies, Taylor!" was but one of the many bizarre proposals that emanated from a large contingent of tweens in the stands, creating an ear-piercing chorus that was like totally trying to get the attention of the "Twilight" saga star. Maybe a little more surprising is what we didn't hear: any mention of J.Lo in the play-by-play. After the megastar's much-hyped addition to the beach bowl's roster, we were looking forward to seeing a little less diva and a little more Bronx. To our disappointment, Lopez remained sidelined after her coin toss. What are the odds DirecTV didn't want the liability risk of a $27 million gluteal injury?

Food factor: It was BYOF&B for the fans in general admission seats, but those in the VIP bleachers were treated to everything from couscous to martinis  ya know, the usual football game fare.

Best party clothes: After this week's party parades of miniskirts, push-up bras and painted-on bikinis, it's time we give the guys some props: The best garb at the Beach Bowl, therefore, had to be the red-and-blue swim trunks worn by a pair of shirtless lifeguards. The two human Ken dolls were privy to a bird's-eye view of the game from a lifeguard stand overlooking the field, and neither missed a moment of the action. We sure hope no one picked game time to drown.

Worst party clothes: Think about it: The event was on Miami Beach  right in the middle of the day, right in the middle of the beach. There were so many candidates, it was hard to choose … until we spotted the guy in the American flag-themed Speedo. Dude, did you really think that all you had to do was put on a white T-shirt and no one would notice? That is just wrong for so many reasons.

What would The Situation say? With half the cast of "Gossip Girl", a 90210-er and two "Twilight" hotties on hand, The Situation wasn't coming anywhere near this event. The Situation doesn't roll with preppy poster boy dudes who grace the pages of Tiger Beat and have names like Kellan, Taylor and Chace. This event gets seven fist pumps. We docked it half a point for the couscous.